Like Hester Prynne, my Scarlet Letter is an "M" representing being motherless. 

 

Although it is an invisible badge and it was pinned on me by me, I feel it and I see it

 

The M serves as a symbol for my life,

my badge of

shame,;

guilt; 

honor; 

courage; 

 

and

 

of remembrance.

 

Anytime I told someone about my past my narrative always started with

 

"My mother died when I was four." 

 

My "M" came out. 

 

I would wait for the "reaction."

 

they would be shocked

and upon hearing their reaction, I would center myself, for the blow

this realization; that what I experienced was very sad; so sad and final.

 

that would make me feel it.

 

the loss.

 

it was like a form of self-inflicting pain; 

 

I needed to feel the pain, I wanted to hurt out loud. 

 

Having someone validate my loss with a "public" acknowledgment kind

 

of let a little of my grief out,

 

like a stream of steam,

 

just enough to alleviate some pressure.